There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
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God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
much to think about
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS