There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
You Might Also Like
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
I have so many questions.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
This is what makes twitter great
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]