There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
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There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
cry laughing at this shit
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.