There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

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Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..


so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.


Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.


It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.


Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.


I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.


Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.


How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?


So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!


My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”