@Soo_Scandalouss

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

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@HickoryHaggis

Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..

@Kauaibride

so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.

@MooseAllain

Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@TheAlexNevil

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.

@emily_tweets

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

@robdelaney

Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.

@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

@Book_Krazy

So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.

Nolege is power biches!

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”

Me: “It’s amazing.”

Her: “OK, I’ll join.”

Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”