There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
Very good news from my accountant
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
This one’s “Alex”.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me: