Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.

😂

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.

If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.

I mean, why knot?

#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

[aquarium]

me: look at the chorse

wife: it’s seahorse

me: i know how to spell chorse linda

*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.

love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing

My plans: 2020:

[on Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__

Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!

Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.

Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD

Buzzer: *beeps*

Studio audience: *groans*

Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on