There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
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A couple who are silly together stay together.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*