there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
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My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there