There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

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*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.


Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!


Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.


Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.


A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.


I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.


Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.