There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
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JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”