There is no “we” in pizza

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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”


Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.


i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work


Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?


Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”


*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*


Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy



Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”


Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”


“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops