There is no “we” in pizza
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I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”