@mzyvonne7

There is no “we” in pizza

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@serialmatrix

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

@noog

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

@OllyiConic

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

@DukeLemoyne

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

@ilovepie84

Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”

@Haggis_20

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

@Matt_The_1st

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

@Reverend_Scott

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

@electrolemon

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops