There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
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Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]