There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you