There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
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Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
some things should go without saying
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*