There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
You Might Also Like
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.