there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
This is amazing.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I already tried new things thanks.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?