There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
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The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
I see your IQ test came back negative
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.