There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
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Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.