There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
You Might Also Like
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*Inspirational Tweets*
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
“How’s your day going?”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Liquor Store Parking
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.