There is wisdom there.
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“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Sing it!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Every. Damn. Time.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.