There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
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$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Omg 🤣
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.