There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
You Might Also Like
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
🙋♀️
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening