There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
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I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Awwwww shit.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?