There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
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The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
what’s the point then??
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.