There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
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My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.