There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
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Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
New tinder profile pic
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much