there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
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If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
When I pack too much for a short trip.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes