There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Not even remotely sorry.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”