There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
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Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that