There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
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and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
Good morning
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out