there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
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[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
spot the difference
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?