There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
You Might Also Like
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
buys donuts instead
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.