There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
You Might Also Like
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”