There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
You Might Also Like
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!