There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Ores being fire proof makes me think maybe the Oreo doomsday vault is real after all.