There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
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Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.