There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
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I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?