there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
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My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Duolingo getting serious.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I’d love this…lol
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter