@sad_tree

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

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@minnie_in_pink7

Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.

@naledimashishi

I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion

@debon7

*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*

Where’s the shit you made me at school?

@iwearaonesie

trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff

@donnie_fairburn

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

@AngelaEhh

Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.

Don’t do that.

@suntzufuntzu

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it

@Michael1979

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

@UnFitz

Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”

I still have no idea when to iron that thing.