Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
*pulls lighter from bra*
Where’s the shit you made me at school?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.