There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
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What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]