There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Velcrow
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me