There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
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Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*