There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
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me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Barbie gone wild
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.