There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
You Might Also Like
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.