There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.

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You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.


(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?


my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015


4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy


[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet


Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.


Romeo: Juliet is the sun.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T


America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.


I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.