There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
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Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.