“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.