There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
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Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?