There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Meowchelangelo
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.