There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!