There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

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Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now


I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.


If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.


Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.


cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil


my therapist gave me her cell phone number.

and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.


Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.