There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
Yup
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
i wish we could shoplift online
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
They did not think through this water fountain
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Well, that should do it
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.