There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
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ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Weirdly Wednesday.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Netflix and scream at our children?!
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat: