There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
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Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
#SuperBowl
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again